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The beginning of my blog didn't originate on Spanish soil.
I was to eager to begin my trip.
I had already taken flight mentally and wanted an outlet to express that emotional anticipation.

I had been coming out of a difficult summer. The floor had been pulled out from under me. Four years flew by in a whirlwind of change; however, they were change of circumstances...adaptable ones at that.

I felt like I was the only one that was different...that believed in certain morals and philosophies...that understood that there is something missing here...where I was living. My reflection in the mirror echoed the pain I felt that I couldn't connect with my peers from home.

I spent the summer taking long walks, doing yoga, going to the beach, and babysitting two adorable boys to pass the time until the day arrived.

I haven't looked at my first post until right now...and, now, I an see myself so much more clearly.

 Now. To pack and prepare. To stream my wishes, dreams, hopes, thoughts, ideas, and expectations about the next ten months. List

• 1. Go with the flow.

• 2. Make new friends.

• 3. Gain fluency in Spanish.

• 4. Have no expectations. Each day will be new and exciting with something to learn and recount.

• 5. To visit as many places as possible.

• 6. To emit positivity and absorb all the unique cultural surroundings.

In closing, I must reluctantly reveal that words, sentences, constructed prose, etc. cannot convey the pleasure the prospects of this trip have provided me with. The anticipation of this closely approaching distant reality rooted a Spanish seed within me--a separate pulse stimulating a new organ. Whether I return at the end of ten months having consumed my capacity, or I am given the privilege to stay and undertake whatever prospects there that I must indulge myself in, so be it. I hope that this blog is an outlet for not only myself, but, for those looking for inspiration to leave a life they constantly question, for those with the equitable sub-conscious angst I have right now in my pre-departure state, so that I may provide both solace and advice on how to prepare yourself for a similar experience, and for those back at home, that I may share my growing zeal and abroad-inspired stories that mark my life in a similar way that I would have texted you, made you listen to over coffee, or told you "you had to be there" about back at home. I am almost there.

None of the above are skills you can place on a resume. Nor are they basic tools everyone feels they should learn, or don't already have.
But, in this post, I realize the strength of my subconscious. I forgot that I had expressed this list, and continued to carry it with me in my memory. This list has been the driving force behind my endless adventures spawned by an endless lack of humility.

It's unbelievable how spot on I was about everything that may come in the future, in a generalized manner. Some days, I feel at max. capacity, and others, I imagine myself never leaving. Not only that, I still hope I have been able to inspire those of you that read this. That you feel empowered to take control of your life and do what you really want. I always believed in being a good person before anything else. I always tried to express that and put others before myself. I struck gold in Palma de Río...I have never had more people offer to take care of me, cook for me, come to their campo, etc etc. With love in the air and hearts bigger than the sun, they cultivate a pure form of compassion that is overflowing.

I am in love with Spain. I am in love with a place and a language and a culture. I will return with a bigger heart and a greater understanding of people, compassion, and the world outside my own backyard.

Now, it's time to see what has happened back on those rolling hills with amber waves of grain...

Whether, it's a permanent return or a visit back home, well, that's just something I can't foresee.

Entity

Your self.

Yourself.

Your self: the person you want to be.

Yourself: the person you are.

Is it connected to place, time, or an other self?

Is it made better or worse by any of the above variables?

How do you extract the variable you want to understand the way self exists alone--untouched...in it's natural state?

My self: what I see in the mirror, in pictures, and hear about myself from other people.

Myself: the mind, body, and soul I have control over...sometimes.

My self was born into a world of fortune. I have received many non-returnable gifts in this life.

Some people find these gifts early on and are able to channel them for good, or, for bad. Others may become blind by all the other variables that muddy the clarity and strength of their gifts as a controlled entity.

Who I am, is not very clear (easily comprehensible), but is one of the only things I see clearly.

I find these answers, clues, or images about my self through my connections with other people. I learn more about myself when I put myself out there and take a leap of faith and bound myself into situations of novelty and nuance.

I never stop learning...

I only keep forming, transforming, and reforming the self and perspective that I carry/wear (en español: llevar-- it's one word) with me through this labyrinth of life.

 From one home...

to another...

What inspires you?

What do you do that makes you smile?
What do you watch that makes chills run down your arm?
What do you listen to that warms your heart?

Find it.

It takes a while.

It's not easy.

It's not clear.

But, then, all of a sudden it hits you.

Maybe it wasn't what you were looking for...

You stop
and think...

This isn't the answer to my question...

...You keep going...

Maybe that piece of the puzzle will always be missing because you didn't stay long enough to let it realize itself...

Or maybe, just maybe, you are lucky enough that when you circle back, years later, you will get that second chance.

I believe in good people.

That's what I know--feel, do, see, and listen to.

They make me who I am.

Be a good person--love others & they will love you back.

Being twentysomething

Twentysomething.

Twenty is too young.

Twenty-one is just right.

Twenty-two is "Holy shit-- I feel old"

Twenty-three is "Wait..SHIT... I thought twenty-two felt old"

Twenty-four is "Am I established?"

Twenty-five is "Fuck I'm still in school!?" or "Shit...I should've stayed in school..."

Twenty-six is "Have I had a serious relationship yet?" or "When was the last time I had more than 5 hours of sleep...on a good night?"

Twenty-seven is... (well, for me I am generally musing anywhere between 24 and up...It's what I expect my brain to tell me)

This whole "twenty's dilemma" has been a huge theme... on television, in movies, on the Internet--the site of origin. All of us were born in the era of the Internet. Therefore, by default, our social representation is identified and defined by this alter realm--Facebook.

The "twenty's dilemma" is a direct effect from this overload of information and therefore, options.

How many of our parents have kept in contact with old friends from high school, elementary school, or even, college?

Did our parents live out of their car, did they travel the world, did they fall in love and then break up, but no one knew about it...?

Was your birth announcement published on Facebook? Your graduation? Your life?

Don't get me wrong Facebook has spawned some pretty interesting encounters and opportunities because someone's status informed me of their location...but, at the same time...how scary is that?

Our parents were able to leave their houses, and our grandparents sat worrying, helpless, until the door opened.

Now, my parents ask me for pictures on WhatsApp in real time... (as I am hiking a mountain at 5pm in the afternoon and my mother has just awoken from her slumber begging me for an update)

This feeling of immediate gratification is irreversible. You can't NOT participate in the cyber world... nor can you survive in a world marked by endless options, endless choices, and therefore, endless pressure.

When I read this article I didn't know if I wanted to vomit, cry, or throw things at this person's glass window.

Let's begin from the bottom.

20. Building your dreams-DO THIS. Make money- DIRECT CAUSE OF LIVING THE DREAM.
19. Falling in love. DON'T DO THIS. GIRLS ARE DUMB AND CONFUSING.
18. Acting before learning.
-Again I don't understand this explanation... Stop having fun "going to clubs," because that will not make you a successful business man? And then, don't be someone else you aren't...be yourself? WTF? I think this person took their mom's quote book from Hallmark off the coffee table and incorporated it into a self-help article...
17. Better to have a few good ones, then too many so-so's
-Whether you learned this lesson from Judas, Sesame Street, or your personal life experiences, stating that relationships are founded on trust is not guiding me on how to avoid making a mistake.
16. ANTI-YOLO
-Obviously...any"advice" given by a rap song should probably not be regarded/or only regarded as "sound advice" (pun)
15. Need v. Want
-Again, rap songs are not real life. For instance, how many people do you know ride on boats all day in the sun singing/dancing with hot girls...? That's why this song is funny...
(hint: they don't have jobs...)
14. Family First
13. You are to blame
-I want to dissect this....

"Hold yourself accountable for everything. At the end of the day, all you have in the world is yourself — so go hard."
-What does "go hard" mean?

 "Don’t look to anyone for answers and instead of making problems, create solutions."
-I'm confused. I thought you said "family comes first?" So, if I do have a problem that could have been created naturally from entropy, I should just not ask anyone for advice. I'll figure it out myself...because that's how we learn (number 18). That makes sense...

"Whether it was that job you wanted, the funding you needed or the love you think you can’t live without, there is no one that can be held accountable in this universe except for you."
-So, I didn't get the job...so, I don't have money. But, hey, number 20 says I'm building my dreams right? And number 19 says I shouldn't fall in love, so if I happen to meet someone I'm compatible with, and then decide that I need this new job, which I guess I don't end up getting, I fucked up right? Yes, it is all my fault...but, maybe, I shouldn't have read this stupid article that told me not to worry about money, but also not to spend what little money I have on whores, however, nor should I waste my time with love. And if I have a problem (like not getting a job), that's my fault also, so probably should just solve it myself (by asking the person why I didn't get the job)...? So, my conclusion is I'm broke, sexually deprived, and I have succumbed to living in my parents house and making home-made rap videos in my free time... (see number 15 link)

12. Entitled: "You don't deserve to rest"
-I believe now is the time to rest. To explore. To take advantage of the fact that you don't have any responsibilities and may not even know what is your life vocation... Why would you cause more problems for yourself buy trying to be someone you're not and not living life as it comes? Life is not synonymous with pursuing a good career...as this article would like to believe.

11. Bad jobs don't teach you anything
"A bad job is like a bitchy girlfriend that gives bad head. "
If this is a metaphor for how to learn something from a difficult situation, then I have no idea why this person wants to learn how to give oral sex if he has a girlfriend... Please. If you haven't agreed with me up until this point, I think this is pretty point in blank obvious and ridiculous.

10. Be a leader

-"If you adjust to trends, you will be lost in the crowd...No one will be able to see you." So, you shouldn't have role models to give you ideas or guidance. Just figure it out or start your own trends... Like Amanda Bynes...

life w/out role models

9. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? BE A LEADER

"It is your sole responsibility to inspire, encourage and drive those around you to success. "
-This is all you should be doing. It is not your "true friends'" responsibility to meet you halfway in a healthy friendship. Why aren't you being a hard-ass ( like I told you in number 13) and a philosopher (number 20) and a teacher all at the same time (number 17 specifically tells you NOT TO DO THIS--you should be learning)? Haven't you learned yet? Why are you acting this way? You are not staying true to yourself!

I have gotten us one more beyond halfway finished. 

I have taken a break/time-out because my brain is tired from trying to connect the illogical argument posed before me, of how a self-help article tailored for men is going to help our generation...

I don't even know if it could help an individual... 

 

Ephemeral

Adjective: "lasting for a very short time."

Synonyms: "transitory--momentary--short-lived"

Antonyms: "everlasting--immortal--permanent"

Moments spawn relationships which breed memories which create both neural and emotional networks in the brain and soul that make whatever "ephemeral" time that passes worth what it was.

I live in the ephemeral.

And, in a month, I will be placed back in a place where this mentality allows you to breed nothing but frustration and worry. Frustrated that no one else lives this way and worry that a) you will never find anyone else that lives this way and b) therefore, you will never be happy.

My best and most interesting trips here have been meeting those new friends, peer teachers, and life-learners through Couchsurfing.

They understand the ephemeral. Something has happened to them on the other side of the Earth that allows them to relate whatever I'm experiencing.

They are interested in you and how you feel about what you are doing.

It's a compromise. You offer something and, whoever's interested bites at it. Rather than fishing for friends, you are actually selling yourself and your interests.

The sales platform: an ephemeral period of time where two or more people come together.
The similarity: they both are couchsurfers, alluding to an ideal state of mind of being open to accepting new people and new experiences.

Present: 1) "to make a gift to" 2) "now existing or in progress"

This mutual understanding or, sharing of similar interests, deals with "presence." The presence of someone novel is a gift. It gives the other person a chance to do something they've never done before in a new place with someone they've just met.

Maybe these aren't real relationships at all...Maybe they are covalent bonds....Maybe the strict definition of the construction of time seals the edges of an afternoon stroll, and vacuum seals someone's personality and ideas into an easily advertised package.


However...

There are no expectations. The day proceeds and unravels as conversation quickly scrapes the surface into the deeper layers of what lies beneath. A motivation of "presence" in the "ephemeral."

This is what I will miss.

I'm excited to go back to familiar places and things--but, my experiences may never be the same.

I was on Spanish tv

Who are you...?

Who. Who. Who. Who.

I really wanna know.

When we are little, we have a sense of self. We grandly declare our names, our age, and all we know, as well as all we don't (Why is the sky blue?).

We say things without thinking.

We go outside and discover. We observe, absorb, digest, and apply.

Creatures of novelty.

Then, novelty is hardened. We are forming. We gain consciousness. Aka: self-awareness. Aka: fear.

We place importance on individuality, yet, we are preoccupied with what others will think of us.

We go to college to spread our wings and repeat the process of "observe, absorb, digest, and apply." But, no longer is this learning process a novelty. At this point, it is an institutionalized cage that spins around like a carousel. Cyclical. Redundant.

We lose interest and start focusing on the form, instead of the content.

The content becomes a means to an end. Let's just get through these four years.

At the beginning, it's: "Let's make the best of them!"

Somewhere in the middle it becomes: "Am I done yet? I just want to graduate."

And when it comes time: "Holy ish. What am I gonna do with my life? Am I ready?"

Our curiosity has been dulled by the redundancy of form. Desk, teacher, lecture, homework, project, essay, exam, grade, importance, pressure, competition, scores, universities, money, acceptance letters, dorm room, new people, new place, new teachers, drinking, parties, finals, winter break, winter, spring break, summer, internships, in-between jobs, majors, minors, studying abroad....

All these words describe the mindless process we go through. The process that has ingrained us to behave numbly. To participate, but, to not stop and take the time to enjoy, to process, to relish.

There is a part of who I am that will never grow up. I am a big kid. But a big kid that loves being surrounded by the keen minds of children.

Children...
That smile at a hug. That celebrate over a single question answered correctly. That chase butterflies. That take long bubble baths. That create highly developed situations and become their idealized characters (Let's play hot lava! Let's play house! Let's play!)

Somewhere along the way we lose that... and become numb to the notion that we had ever lost anything at all.

I am an experiential learner... Unfortunately, I learn through action. I am visual. If I am told something in a monotone format, you lose me. I fly into my land of imagination.

Becoming a teacher has been complicated... I am still trying to figure out what it means. Next to parents, I think these people are the most important in our lives... but, in a institutionalized format, where I'm powerless and have twenty minutes to influence my ripe youngsters, I am placed between a rock and a hard place. Their is little wiggle room to expand and influence.

My compañeros choose to believe that I don't like teaching... I miss my family... The pueblo is too small...I want to go back.

They would be right.

Because that is why children know who they are...

They are ignorant. They look in the mirror and see themselves. They don't see potential-- a future stockbroker, a future mother, a future race car driver... They see themselves as they are.

So, when my co-workers take a look at me... they see me through a worldview specifically their own. Compared to what they know through the movies and the other auxiliaries that have come and gone. These auxiliaries came, maybe found a boyfriend and stayed, or maybe had a master's education to fulfill.

Whereas, "I have no plans," I say.

Well if she has no plans, she must not like it here... She can't live in a place like this cause she's from California where it's big and sunny and different...

They would be right again.

I'm not pretentious.

However, I am from one of the most modernized places on Earth. I had a computer when I was 5 years old. I went to Disneyland for the first time when I was 1 year old. I played three sports until I had to choose one. I took singing lessons. I was in advanced level classes. I played outside. I had the ideal childhood, made my own choices (within limitations), and was always taught to be my own person. This environment is where I come from and, therefore, who I am.

So, then I come here, to all that I've never had. I run in the fields. I pick the oranges. I buy fruit, day of, fresh from the farm, bread, day of, fresh from the bakery, jamon, stripped off the leg. I walk to my place of work. I eat lunch at 2:30pm in my house. I eat Spanish food. I speak Spanish...

And now, with the opportunity to stay or leave, I have chosen to leave.

Not just because I miss my family, yada yada yada... Not because I don't like it here... yada yada yada...

It's because I am an experimental learner. Although I am here to teach, I came to learn. I came to escape all that I knew. I was numbed by the redundant cycle of American culture. So, I took a break. I wanted to cross some things off my bucket list... I wanted to see the world through my own eyes. I didn't want to sit in a five-star hotel and be chauffeured. I didn't want to go with other Americans.

So, I didn't

And, now it is time to leave... And that's okay with me. I used to let what others say affect me... I used to cut all my hair off to prove a point.. (haha, Sorry, it still makes me laugh.)

I have learned that I'm not meant to be any other place in the world, but the place that I carry with me in my heart and flows through my veins. The people that have influenced me and the dream that I always imagined as I looked in the mirror as a young girl--the emotions I wore on my sleeve, the attention I always craved, the laughs I always sought, and the craziness that always ensued.

I know that will always have a home in Spain. I have connected with numerous people: Jose Angel, Sete, Mati, Paco, Paco, Gema, Laura, Marta, Nacyra, Belen, Eli, Alberto, Jesus, Antonio, Jose Luis, Pepe, Fau, Farisa, Carmen, Maricarmen, Nuria, Inma, etc. etc.

Dear Spain,
You have made a lasting impression upon my life.
Made me a better person...I feel like a kid again.

So,

Go explore. Go outside and take a hike. Turn off Facebook. Turn off your phone. (Put it on airplane mode). Go to a yoga class instead of spinning. Talk to someone new in a bar. Go to a different bar (for starters...) Cut your hair... whatever you can do that you've always wanted to! You can do it. Stop disagreeing with yourself...you'll only hate yourself more later.

All that you want

Is all that you can have.

Though I may have been removed from all that is familiar, safe, easy to understand (on the most basic level of a mutual language)...

It's a beautiful thing.

"Cur, tu puedes ayudarme con mi carta... mi cohvair letair..?"

"Claro! Mandámelo!"

The next day...

"Cur, gracias por tu ayuda! Gracias! Si tu quieres, mi padre ha cocinado pescado frito y va a cocinar caracoles! Ven! Ven, guapa!"

"Vale, venga! Estaré allí!"

Friend (n.): A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts (Friend)

Amigo (n.): Aquel individuo con el cual se mantiene un amistad (Amigo)

These are just words that describe other words...I've never had a friend that I can put into words nor limit to words.

So, this won't do. Think of it as a translation of my Spanish experiences that truly are unique and personal.

I met this girl through a friend here in the pueblo. These friendships are like the ones I have back at home... the ones that began in elementary school and have lasted through thick and thin...

Immediately, my name was "Cur..." not "Court..." Immediately, I was myself as my friends from home know me... Court. OK, you are on the team, new friend.

Every bone in her body yearns for what lies outside the South of Spain. She is an energy commander and attention grabber. Her friends joke about her faults and her habits...but, it's because she is that person that you want to be... that you look at and think, "Man, how much fun it would be if I could be like that..."

So, she asked me if I could read her Cover Letter for an internship program abroad.

CLAROOO.

Then, her lovely family invited me over for a "mellow" Sunday afternoon lunch.

As I walk in, almost immediately, the "hijas" are flowing from her mother's mouth quickly followed by, "what do you want to drink," as she hugs her large goblet of tinto de verano...

The same would be lovely.

They just finished landscaping their backyard... I get the tour.

I joke that it's the never-ending house... it's not a piso...it's a palacio.

Her piso is connected to that of her grandmother's, in case of an emergency, and to her mother's medical clinic below their piso. Además, they have constructed a mini-haven in their backyard complete with a wood oven, a game room, a dining room, a bathroom, and two or three standing bars...

You would think that being removed from California, especially Southern California, that I wouldn't be placed in a place so familiar and safe within a pueblo in the South of Spain. I never had these material luxuries that I could look forward to and share with humility, but, I was always lucky enough to be invited to luxurize with those friends of mine.

We sit down for lunch and begin with caracoles...snails. Yes...Snails. Like the ones you stepped upon when you were kid as they were slowly eeking across your front yard. Yeah, little attenas and slightly opened mouths and all...

All eyes on me. My primera vez...and they are all waiting for the verdict. Proud of their unique Spanish cuisine.

After about three, I retired my bowl. They don't taste like anything... and I attempt to explain, it's not that they're not "good," it's just I way rather eat from the heaping bowls of artichokes, octopus with potatoes, or three types of fried fish...

Do you want anything else to drink?

Do you like your food? Less talking! More eating!

Again, I attempt to explain that I prefer to eat slowly... Again, another trait that is lost in translation/custom...whatever it may be.

But, here's the thing: I got to be someone's daughter again...

I spend a lot of time with families here...but they are younger... I am an adult; I'm not a child nor could ever be a child that lives in another country abroad...for my mother, it's 12-hours in plane abroad...That exotic place called "Spain..."

After, my two glasses of wine (politely pressured by her mother...as a good Spanish mother should do), we begin to eat our dessert and drink our coffee...which led to margaritas and conversation. We talk about my job, customs here in Spain, and finish with how I went to a private school--a mutual characteristic that my friend and her boyfriend (who is present as well) also share.

It's funny, ain't it?

People are people...human beings. We have the same parts, capabilities, emotions...But, if we don't talk, it's because we don't share interests...or maybe, just maybe, one another's language. Expand with someone who you don't know, share, and explore, and you find that you have a lot more in common than you originally thought.

My friend is in this awesome place full of potential and hope. She finishes her degree in 3 months and all she can think about is living abroad and speaking English---London would be ideal and I pray she gets to do exactly what I'm doing here.

She confesses to me how hard it is to explain what she wants... but, I look at her and convince her that I completely understand...

Since September 2012, I have been through Spain, France, Germany, Holland, Belgium, Portugal, England, and Italy... That's 8 countries in almost 7 months. I never imagined this for myself. I never imagined myself sitting in my friend's house with her parents and boyfriend talking about anything and everything in Spanish, eating octopus, drinking margaritas from martini glasses, and sharing a similar background that extends and translates across language and cultural borders.

The more time I spend here, I realize that all of it is ending. No, I won't be here during the summer, and maybe, I'll have the opportunity to do it all again next year. But, I still don't know if I want to. All that I have right now is novel...raw...virgin. The experience is ripe and impressionable because I have never done it before.

But, even if I don't come back, I'm not worried because I have made friends for life. They have made me a part of their world without hesitation, doubt, or worry. So, when I say I'm in a familiar environment of privilege, private education, and security...I am, but not completely. The part that is unique to here is the warmth. The warmth of knowing someone immediately without knowing them and trusting in the goodness of the person. This is why I came to Spain and this is why I will miss it all the more.