Mi mujer

A man is nothing without su mujer. I have high standards for women...Actually, more so than men. However, I have always considered myself to get along better with men. Men seem to be better at just accepting situations and appearing more simplistic. I felt that if I could just accept things and move on without living in denial, why couldn't other women? Women struggle avoiding the internalization of their surroundings, whether it be conscious or subconscious. This is not an absolute. Nor are my friends all boys. My best friends are girls. But, I have, subconsciously, denied those women, mentors and peers,  in my life the recognition they deserve as independent, driven, and influential.

These women may or may not have been like me when they were younger. I am not sure if they got mad at the world. I don't know what footprints they left in the sand on the beaches before. But, I met each woman on a different point on their road, likewise, on mine. Some were early, some were later, some were ephemeral, and some have been everlasting. But, I never consciously thanked them. I was too preoccupied with growing up that their special attention to stabilizing my weak roots, pruning my untended limbs, or just offering more support went unnoticed. But, it never went unappreciated.

Frederico Garcia Lorca (1898-1936) is a Spanish poet from Granada, a small, now alternative-bohemian city in Andalusia. I studied his development of the philosophy of duende in the States before travelling here. I understood it very little and convinced myself that I had a grasp on it's broader meaning. But, it is not simple--as any good philosophy is not. I was an outsider to his perspective on his  native scene. He had invited me to read a scene painted with words, but deprived of life. Lorca can hypnotize an audience with melodic prose that hides the drama that resonates in each word independent of the methodic phrase, where he finds true solace. In order to understand what kind of people live in Lorca's works, you need to visit Andalusia.

3 types of people:
1. People who work to live.
2. People who live to work.
3. People who live to be. (more often than not 3 is included in 1)

Here, number 3 is the overwhelming consensus of the people. 1 exists, but during a crisis, it is difficult to find those who can live by number 1. Therefore, many's state of being cannot explicitly be number 3 either because, without work, they are defined by their "lack of work," rather than their forma de ser, which is a perpetual state, inclusive or exclusive of occupation.

Now, having been here, Lorca's description has been clarified. "La Niña de Los Peines had to tear apart her voice, because she knew experts were listening, who demanded not form but the marrow of form, pure music with a body lean enough to float on air. She had to rob herself of skill and safety: that is to say, banish her Muse, and be helpless, so her duende might come, and deign to struggle with her at close quarters. And how she sang! Her voice no longer at play, her voice a jet of blood, worthy of her pain and her sincerity, opened like a ten-fingered hand as in the feet, nailed there but storm-filled, of a Christ by Juan de Juni." 

It is through tragedy, you truly live. It is through harnessing this form and unleashing it when appropriate, you truly live. There are many people who never realize the beautiful form of duende they possess because the strength of this word resides in Spain. Likewise, in the States, you are not given a choice on how to live--the overwhelming consensus there is number 2. It is a rat race. Here, there aren't races; there are obstacles. Obstacles of terrain, of understanding, of attainment, etc. People truly just sit and talk. And eat and, talk some more....then, sit some more. Drink some more coffee. Maybe strike up yet another conversation. The mujer makes dinner. We drink some more. Then, off to sleep, for a short time...only, so we can live again. 

Dear Women, 

Thank you... You saw something in me, stirred it, and it has yet to be put to rest. There are days I resent whatever boils within because I find it to be a burden. But, you stirred it, because it lives within you too. Someone has found you or told you along the way, what you have and the grand capacity that comes with your ability. You all chose different paths, different lifestyle choices, different careers (for the most part), and different personal philosophies. My exposure to all of this diversity has allowed me to draw a little from each that most resonates with who I am to form my own identity...to live in number 3, as an active choice, rather than, by default. I am forever grateful for your endless support of curiosity. Thank you for defining bravery. Actions speak louder than words. 

Love, 

Courtney