Do what you want

8 months ago I used to dream of being somewhere else. I fantasized about Europe--open plazas, recycled movement of people, that creates a comfortable loneliness. I wanted to sit where Hemingway sat and penned stories about reality...about people to reveal the bittersweet truth.

I knew I was going away and eagerly awaited my final days. I ate breakfast outside everyday and practiced--studying the testimonials of other authors, where they drew their inspiration, etc. But, I couldn't relate--the way they described their lives seemed so harsh and depressing. Withdrawn from, but connected to their studies of society.

In the pueblo, as a foreigner, you have a lot of time to be alone, if you want. Everything here is centered around family. It's hard to be expected to be invited everywhere; people want their alone time with their own families. Therefore, it's not a place where someone easily feels comfortable alone--everyone knows who you are, watches you, and talks about you. They spend more time together socializing than working, etc. Therefore, the range of topics of conversation expires after about an hour and a half with the same 3 people you see everyday. The different daily stimulus surrounding them generates the fresh material to replace the stale.

Yesterday, I went to one of my student's futbol games with his parents (and yes, I did invite myself). Being a sport aficionado, I had to inquire if there was a league for girls...Of course there wasn't. We had an hour before the game began, so, I charlared with Matti. Matti is a procurator and a mother of 3. She balances her 10hr/day work schedule with the duties of being not a caregiver, but a role model. I think I'm so drawn to her energy because she reminds me of my mother. This silent refinement of a strong woman. Her eyes and smile are tired, but, when around the people she cares most about, her soul warms and she radiates genuine love. (Plus, like my mom, she thinks I'm funny, so that always gains you points in my book).

We started to discuss what I'm going to do when I get back, etc. etc.

This is something that is hard to admit because I've been ignoring it for a while. I keep telling myself to try other things because it's more "practical" or "you'd be good at this."

Ya, know? The safe road...

But, by living in the pueblo, I've realized that human judgement is never going to go away. It is a part of human nature. By accepting that, I no longer feel the need to make public opposition expositions (using my hair as my method of protest).

I have learned that doing what you want is the most liberating act of them all. Graduating early from UCSD, cutting my hair, quitting my job, and moving to Spain without contacts have all made me grow stronger. Then, I went on a 14-day excursion alone, amidst a cloud of worry from my family and friends. A cloud that originates in being a female that is 22-years old. Sometimes, it's not fun. But, I walked along the historical path of Europe. The presence of the history was company enough for me to feel impacted without a companion to share every moment with.

I can't be a writer in the vain of Hemingway because I want to show and express what I feel-- I want to live the written word. When I am in front of my classrooms, I can be a certain way to derive a certain emotion out of them--angry to make them quiet, silly to make them laugh, or calm to make them listen. I like to command a room and I like to utilize the spectrum of human emotion because when it comes down to it, all of this technology and modernity is founded upon the idea of a machine. Standardized components and universal function.

We are flawed, but have the capacity to generate a universal energy known as love.
Begin to believe in it and there you may find the strength to do what you truly want.

"In order to find the treasure, you will have to follow the omens. God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you." - The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo