Who are you...?

Who. Who. Who. Who.

I really wanna know.

When we are little, we have a sense of self. We grandly declare our names, our age, and all we know, as well as all we don't (Why is the sky blue?).

We say things without thinking.

We go outside and discover. We observe, absorb, digest, and apply.

Creatures of novelty.

Then, novelty is hardened. We are forming. We gain consciousness. Aka: self-awareness. Aka: fear.

We place importance on individuality, yet, we are preoccupied with what others will think of us.

We go to college to spread our wings and repeat the process of "observe, absorb, digest, and apply." But, no longer is this learning process a novelty. At this point, it is an institutionalized cage that spins around like a carousel. Cyclical. Redundant.

We lose interest and start focusing on the form, instead of the content.

The content becomes a means to an end. Let's just get through these four years.

At the beginning, it's: "Let's make the best of them!"

Somewhere in the middle it becomes: "Am I done yet? I just want to graduate."

And when it comes time: "Holy ish. What am I gonna do with my life? Am I ready?"

Our curiosity has been dulled by the redundancy of form. Desk, teacher, lecture, homework, project, essay, exam, grade, importance, pressure, competition, scores, universities, money, acceptance letters, dorm room, new people, new place, new teachers, drinking, parties, finals, winter break, winter, spring break, summer, internships, in-between jobs, majors, minors, studying abroad....

All these words describe the mindless process we go through. The process that has ingrained us to behave numbly. To participate, but, to not stop and take the time to enjoy, to process, to relish.

There is a part of who I am that will never grow up. I am a big kid. But a big kid that loves being surrounded by the keen minds of children.

Children...
That smile at a hug. That celebrate over a single question answered correctly. That chase butterflies. That take long bubble baths. That create highly developed situations and become their idealized characters (Let's play hot lava! Let's play house! Let's play!)

Somewhere along the way we lose that... and become numb to the notion that we had ever lost anything at all.

I am an experiential learner... Unfortunately, I learn through action. I am visual. If I am told something in a monotone format, you lose me. I fly into my land of imagination.

Becoming a teacher has been complicated... I am still trying to figure out what it means. Next to parents, I think these people are the most important in our lives... but, in a institutionalized format, where I'm powerless and have twenty minutes to influence my ripe youngsters, I am placed between a rock and a hard place. Their is little wiggle room to expand and influence.

My compañeros choose to believe that I don't like teaching... I miss my family... The pueblo is too small...I want to go back.

They would be right.

Because that is why children know who they are...

They are ignorant. They look in the mirror and see themselves. They don't see potential-- a future stockbroker, a future mother, a future race car driver... They see themselves as they are.

So, when my co-workers take a look at me... they see me through a worldview specifically their own. Compared to what they know through the movies and the other auxiliaries that have come and gone. These auxiliaries came, maybe found a boyfriend and stayed, or maybe had a master's education to fulfill.

Whereas, "I have no plans," I say.

Well if she has no plans, she must not like it here... She can't live in a place like this cause she's from California where it's big and sunny and different...

They would be right again.

I'm not pretentious.

However, I am from one of the most modernized places on Earth. I had a computer when I was 5 years old. I went to Disneyland for the first time when I was 1 year old. I played three sports until I had to choose one. I took singing lessons. I was in advanced level classes. I played outside. I had the ideal childhood, made my own choices (within limitations), and was always taught to be my own person. This environment is where I come from and, therefore, who I am.

So, then I come here, to all that I've never had. I run in the fields. I pick the oranges. I buy fruit, day of, fresh from the farm, bread, day of, fresh from the bakery, jamon, stripped off the leg. I walk to my place of work. I eat lunch at 2:30pm in my house. I eat Spanish food. I speak Spanish...

And now, with the opportunity to stay or leave, I have chosen to leave.

Not just because I miss my family, yada yada yada... Not because I don't like it here... yada yada yada...

It's because I am an experimental learner. Although I am here to teach, I came to learn. I came to escape all that I knew. I was numbed by the redundant cycle of American culture. So, I took a break. I wanted to cross some things off my bucket list... I wanted to see the world through my own eyes. I didn't want to sit in a five-star hotel and be chauffeured. I didn't want to go with other Americans.

So, I didn't

And, now it is time to leave... And that's okay with me. I used to let what others say affect me... I used to cut all my hair off to prove a point.. (haha, Sorry, it still makes me laugh.)

I have learned that I'm not meant to be any other place in the world, but the place that I carry with me in my heart and flows through my veins. The people that have influenced me and the dream that I always imagined as I looked in the mirror as a young girl--the emotions I wore on my sleeve, the attention I always craved, the laughs I always sought, and the craziness that always ensued.

I know that will always have a home in Spain. I have connected with numerous people: Jose Angel, Sete, Mati, Paco, Paco, Gema, Laura, Marta, Nacyra, Belen, Eli, Alberto, Jesus, Antonio, Jose Luis, Pepe, Fau, Farisa, Carmen, Maricarmen, Nuria, Inma, etc. etc.

Dear Spain,
You have made a lasting impression upon my life.
Made me a better person...I feel like a kid again.

So,

Go explore. Go outside and take a hike. Turn off Facebook. Turn off your phone. (Put it on airplane mode). Go to a yoga class instead of spinning. Talk to someone new in a bar. Go to a different bar (for starters...) Cut your hair... whatever you can do that you've always wanted to! You can do it. Stop disagreeing with yourself...you'll only hate yourself more later.

All that you want

Is all that you can have.

Though I may have been removed from all that is familiar, safe, easy to understand (on the most basic level of a mutual language)...

It's a beautiful thing.

"Cur, tu puedes ayudarme con mi carta... mi cohvair letair..?"

"Claro! Mandámelo!"

The next day...

"Cur, gracias por tu ayuda! Gracias! Si tu quieres, mi padre ha cocinado pescado frito y va a cocinar caracoles! Ven! Ven, guapa!"

"Vale, venga! Estaré allí!"

Friend (n.): A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts (Friend)

Amigo (n.): Aquel individuo con el cual se mantiene un amistad (Amigo)

These are just words that describe other words...I've never had a friend that I can put into words nor limit to words.

So, this won't do. Think of it as a translation of my Spanish experiences that truly are unique and personal.

I met this girl through a friend here in the pueblo. These friendships are like the ones I have back at home... the ones that began in elementary school and have lasted through thick and thin...

Immediately, my name was "Cur..." not "Court..." Immediately, I was myself as my friends from home know me... Court. OK, you are on the team, new friend.

Every bone in her body yearns for what lies outside the South of Spain. She is an energy commander and attention grabber. Her friends joke about her faults and her habits...but, it's because she is that person that you want to be... that you look at and think, "Man, how much fun it would be if I could be like that..."

So, she asked me if I could read her Cover Letter for an internship program abroad.

CLAROOO.

Then, her lovely family invited me over for a "mellow" Sunday afternoon lunch.

As I walk in, almost immediately, the "hijas" are flowing from her mother's mouth quickly followed by, "what do you want to drink," as she hugs her large goblet of tinto de verano...

The same would be lovely.

They just finished landscaping their backyard... I get the tour.

I joke that it's the never-ending house... it's not a piso...it's a palacio.

Her piso is connected to that of her grandmother's, in case of an emergency, and to her mother's medical clinic below their piso. Además, they have constructed a mini-haven in their backyard complete with a wood oven, a game room, a dining room, a bathroom, and two or three standing bars...

You would think that being removed from California, especially Southern California, that I wouldn't be placed in a place so familiar and safe within a pueblo in the South of Spain. I never had these material luxuries that I could look forward to and share with humility, but, I was always lucky enough to be invited to luxurize with those friends of mine.

We sit down for lunch and begin with caracoles...snails. Yes...Snails. Like the ones you stepped upon when you were kid as they were slowly eeking across your front yard. Yeah, little attenas and slightly opened mouths and all...

All eyes on me. My primera vez...and they are all waiting for the verdict. Proud of their unique Spanish cuisine.

After about three, I retired my bowl. They don't taste like anything... and I attempt to explain, it's not that they're not "good," it's just I way rather eat from the heaping bowls of artichokes, octopus with potatoes, or three types of fried fish...

Do you want anything else to drink?

Do you like your food? Less talking! More eating!

Again, I attempt to explain that I prefer to eat slowly... Again, another trait that is lost in translation/custom...whatever it may be.

But, here's the thing: I got to be someone's daughter again...

I spend a lot of time with families here...but they are younger... I am an adult; I'm not a child nor could ever be a child that lives in another country abroad...for my mother, it's 12-hours in plane abroad...That exotic place called "Spain..."

After, my two glasses of wine (politely pressured by her mother...as a good Spanish mother should do), we begin to eat our dessert and drink our coffee...which led to margaritas and conversation. We talk about my job, customs here in Spain, and finish with how I went to a private school--a mutual characteristic that my friend and her boyfriend (who is present as well) also share.

It's funny, ain't it?

People are people...human beings. We have the same parts, capabilities, emotions...But, if we don't talk, it's because we don't share interests...or maybe, just maybe, one another's language. Expand with someone who you don't know, share, and explore, and you find that you have a lot more in common than you originally thought.

My friend is in this awesome place full of potential and hope. She finishes her degree in 3 months and all she can think about is living abroad and speaking English---London would be ideal and I pray she gets to do exactly what I'm doing here.

She confesses to me how hard it is to explain what she wants... but, I look at her and convince her that I completely understand...

Since September 2012, I have been through Spain, France, Germany, Holland, Belgium, Portugal, England, and Italy... That's 8 countries in almost 7 months. I never imagined this for myself. I never imagined myself sitting in my friend's house with her parents and boyfriend talking about anything and everything in Spanish, eating octopus, drinking margaritas from martini glasses, and sharing a similar background that extends and translates across language and cultural borders.

The more time I spend here, I realize that all of it is ending. No, I won't be here during the summer, and maybe, I'll have the opportunity to do it all again next year. But, I still don't know if I want to. All that I have right now is novel...raw...virgin. The experience is ripe and impressionable because I have never done it before.

But, even if I don't come back, I'm not worried because I have made friends for life. They have made me a part of their world without hesitation, doubt, or worry. So, when I say I'm in a familiar environment of privilege, private education, and security...I am, but not completely. The part that is unique to here is the warmth. The warmth of knowing someone immediately without knowing them and trusting in the goodness of the person. This is why I came to Spain and this is why I will miss it all the more.