Who are you...?

Who. Who. Who. Who.

I really wanna know.

When we are little, we have a sense of self. We grandly declare our names, our age, and all we know, as well as all we don't (Why is the sky blue?).

We say things without thinking.

We go outside and discover. We observe, absorb, digest, and apply.

Creatures of novelty.

Then, novelty is hardened. We are forming. We gain consciousness. Aka: self-awareness. Aka: fear.

We place importance on individuality, yet, we are preoccupied with what others will think of us.

We go to college to spread our wings and repeat the process of "observe, absorb, digest, and apply." But, no longer is this learning process a novelty. At this point, it is an institutionalized cage that spins around like a carousel. Cyclical. Redundant.

We lose interest and start focusing on the form, instead of the content.

The content becomes a means to an end. Let's just get through these four years.

At the beginning, it's: "Let's make the best of them!"

Somewhere in the middle it becomes: "Am I done yet? I just want to graduate."

And when it comes time: "Holy ish. What am I gonna do with my life? Am I ready?"

Our curiosity has been dulled by the redundancy of form. Desk, teacher, lecture, homework, project, essay, exam, grade, importance, pressure, competition, scores, universities, money, acceptance letters, dorm room, new people, new place, new teachers, drinking, parties, finals, winter break, winter, spring break, summer, internships, in-between jobs, majors, minors, studying abroad....

All these words describe the mindless process we go through. The process that has ingrained us to behave numbly. To participate, but, to not stop and take the time to enjoy, to process, to relish.

There is a part of who I am that will never grow up. I am a big kid. But a big kid that loves being surrounded by the keen minds of children.

Children...
That smile at a hug. That celebrate over a single question answered correctly. That chase butterflies. That take long bubble baths. That create highly developed situations and become their idealized characters (Let's play hot lava! Let's play house! Let's play!)

Somewhere along the way we lose that... and become numb to the notion that we had ever lost anything at all.

I am an experiential learner... Unfortunately, I learn through action. I am visual. If I am told something in a monotone format, you lose me. I fly into my land of imagination.

Becoming a teacher has been complicated... I am still trying to figure out what it means. Next to parents, I think these people are the most important in our lives... but, in a institutionalized format, where I'm powerless and have twenty minutes to influence my ripe youngsters, I am placed between a rock and a hard place. Their is little wiggle room to expand and influence.

My compañeros choose to believe that I don't like teaching... I miss my family... The pueblo is too small...I want to go back.

They would be right.

Because that is why children know who they are...

They are ignorant. They look in the mirror and see themselves. They don't see potential-- a future stockbroker, a future mother, a future race car driver... They see themselves as they are.

So, when my co-workers take a look at me... they see me through a worldview specifically their own. Compared to what they know through the movies and the other auxiliaries that have come and gone. These auxiliaries came, maybe found a boyfriend and stayed, or maybe had a master's education to fulfill.

Whereas, "I have no plans," I say.

Well if she has no plans, she must not like it here... She can't live in a place like this cause she's from California where it's big and sunny and different...

They would be right again.

I'm not pretentious.

However, I am from one of the most modernized places on Earth. I had a computer when I was 5 years old. I went to Disneyland for the first time when I was 1 year old. I played three sports until I had to choose one. I took singing lessons. I was in advanced level classes. I played outside. I had the ideal childhood, made my own choices (within limitations), and was always taught to be my own person. This environment is where I come from and, therefore, who I am.

So, then I come here, to all that I've never had. I run in the fields. I pick the oranges. I buy fruit, day of, fresh from the farm, bread, day of, fresh from the bakery, jamon, stripped off the leg. I walk to my place of work. I eat lunch at 2:30pm in my house. I eat Spanish food. I speak Spanish...

And now, with the opportunity to stay or leave, I have chosen to leave.

Not just because I miss my family, yada yada yada... Not because I don't like it here... yada yada yada...

It's because I am an experimental learner. Although I am here to teach, I came to learn. I came to escape all that I knew. I was numbed by the redundant cycle of American culture. So, I took a break. I wanted to cross some things off my bucket list... I wanted to see the world through my own eyes. I didn't want to sit in a five-star hotel and be chauffeured. I didn't want to go with other Americans.

So, I didn't

And, now it is time to leave... And that's okay with me. I used to let what others say affect me... I used to cut all my hair off to prove a point.. (haha, Sorry, it still makes me laugh.)

I have learned that I'm not meant to be any other place in the world, but the place that I carry with me in my heart and flows through my veins. The people that have influenced me and the dream that I always imagined as I looked in the mirror as a young girl--the emotions I wore on my sleeve, the attention I always craved, the laughs I always sought, and the craziness that always ensued.

I know that will always have a home in Spain. I have connected with numerous people: Jose Angel, Sete, Mati, Paco, Paco, Gema, Laura, Marta, Nacyra, Belen, Eli, Alberto, Jesus, Antonio, Jose Luis, Pepe, Fau, Farisa, Carmen, Maricarmen, Nuria, Inma, etc. etc.

Dear Spain,
You have made a lasting impression upon my life.
Made me a better person...I feel like a kid again.

So,

Go explore. Go outside and take a hike. Turn off Facebook. Turn off your phone. (Put it on airplane mode). Go to a yoga class instead of spinning. Talk to someone new in a bar. Go to a different bar (for starters...) Cut your hair... whatever you can do that you've always wanted to! You can do it. Stop disagreeing with yourself...you'll only hate yourself more later.